The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Erzengel]

I don't think anything with your birthday was malicious on her end however, she essentially doesn't know you if she thought you'd be okay with essentially a family ambush after explicitly telling her so.

I'm not saying you should break up, nor am I saying hey get married, but you should be using this time you're together to see if you should be together and it's not going to be a perfect fit. I don't think any truly is. It's being okay with the differences and happy and only you 2 can honestly state that. However, be with her because you want to be with her not because you rather be with her than alone.

 

[theastsunnn]

I don't think anything with your birthday was malicious on her end however, she essentially doesn't know you if she thought you'd be okay with essentially a family ambush after explicitly telling her so.

I'm not saying you should break up, nor am I saying hey get married, but you should be using this time you're together to see if you should be together and it's not going to be a perfect fit. I don't think any truly is. It's being okay with the differences and happy and only you 2 can honestly state that. However, be with her because you want to be with her not because you rather be with her than alone.

It was only my brother and his fiancé but I didn’t care. I have their numbers off I wanted to see them. So I was mad, went to bed early, woke up and didn’t talk to her while she was over the next day until she left. I immediately felt like a bad person, but I didn’t want to talk because I didn’t want to say anything I would regret, so I took the silent approach. I didn’t like her going thru back channels to find my brothers number. Why are you messaging him? Trying to get to know him better? You said we look like tweeting you attracted to him or something? These were the thoughts that went thru my head and upset me.

 

[InCali]

I blew up pretty good though. I carried it over into the next day. And didn’t talk to her at all even though I think her heart was in the right place. And she has no kids wants kids, that’s enough for me. Before her I could barely find anyone to date me because I don’t think I’m that easy to get along with myself.

I generally tell people that it's okay to be angry. How you react to the anger is another question. No one can tell someone else how to feel, but what you are describing seems to be an overreaction (not letting it go is a problem IMO). I suggest you find a counselor and discuss these issues. I sometimes overreact myself, but try to leave it in the past and work on not letting it happen again.

I have some thoughts, but don't think it would be helpful for me to give specific advice to someone I don't know. Get a counselor.....couples if possible. Some people have anger issues, some have self-esteem, etc. A counselor will help you and your partner work through issues.

 

[MissMarvelous]

. I didn’t like her going thru back channels to find my brothers number. Why are you messaging him? Trying to get to know him better? You said we look like tweeting you attracted to him or something? These were the thoughts that went thru my head and upset me

From my perspective, I think that all she was trying to do was something nice for you, not trying to seduce your brother.

She put some *real* effort into that and tried to surprise you. To make it about you. Ok, you weren't up to it... just tell her! Do not act like a child who is nap deprived. Tell her, like the grown man that you're why is that you don't like celebrating your birthday.

If the whole scheme of "you're attracted to my brother" was the first thing that came into your mind, then... dude.

 

[Erzengel]

In his defense, he did tell her twice that he didn't want to do anything for his birthday and he compromised by going out and still she thought he would come around? I don't disagree that his reaction was excessive and I've never been a fan of the silent treatment. However, everyone handles stress differently? But be mad that night, you should at least be a point to talk at 36 years old the day after and I do agree he should have sat her down and explain to her why it bothered him so much.

 

[MissMarvelous]

In his defense, he did tell her twice that he didn't want to do anything for his birthday and he compromised by going out and still she thought he would come around? I don't disagree that his reaction was excessive and I've never been a fan of the silent treatment. However, everyone handles stress differently? But be mad that night, you should at least be a point to talk at 36 years old the day after and I do agree he should have sat her down and explain to her why it bothered him so much.

Since they are a young couple or at the early stages of it, this could be a case of "he's not serious" OR "he will come around". Not really knowing that he meant what he said.

Unfortunately, us girlies, have a tendency of wanting to fix things and/or people (which are not broken and do not wish to change),so it could be that too.

Maybe she reached out early or with too much time in advance and didn't know how to cancel the plan later.

 

[theastsunnn]

She asked them two days before my birthday. I do have self esteem issues, confidence. Have been in and out of therapy since a teen. Hasn’t helped, but I’ve grown better. All I can do is learn from this. It was a day she was mad but we’ve made up and I apologized for my childish behavior and bought her flowers.

 

[MissMarvelous]

She asked them two days before my birthday. I do have self esteem issues, confidence. Have been in and out of therapy since a teen. Hasn’t helped, but I’ve grown better. All I can do is learn from this. It was a day she was mad but we’ve made up and I apologized for my childish behavior and bought her flowers.

I was surprised to learn that you guys are still together. You mentioned something about texting and sharing a few tears...

Sorry about your self steam issues, that must be heavy and really annoying. I hope that you guys find your own rhythm and get to enjoy your time together.

 

[theastsunnn]

I was surprised to learn that you guys are still together. You mentioned something about texting and sharing a few tears...

Sorry about your self steam issues, that must be heavy and really annoying. I hope that you guys find your own rhythm and get to enjoy your time together.

The text and tears was about an issue we had and I couldn’t express in person so I did it they text. Just trying to learn how to use my voice.

 

[Babillygunn]

Hmmmmmm.......my guess is that she planned something before she knew you wanted to just hang out? I think there's a compromise to be had (or could have been one). When people do things for you, it matters; even if it's not exactly what you would do. I think what I would have said was "OK. I know you were planning something special, but I really wanted to just have down time. Maybe we can just <fill in the blank> next weekend and have some alone time."

I'm probably a bad one to be giving advice here because I don't give a crap about my birthday and do stuff because other people want to do something for my birthday. To me, it's just another day like any other. I mean, every day you're a day older anyway. Also, if anyone should be celebrating birthdays, it's the moms. They did all the work, we wouldn't be here without them, and the kids get all the benefit. Makes no sense to me.

This is good advice. For years I had a really bad association with Fathers Day because my dad died on that day. It also didn’t help that my wife and I lost our first child and went the next 7 years trying for another child. During that time her family always gave me an “uncle gift” which on paper is a really sweet gesture and their hearts were in the right place, but in reality I saw it as them taking pity on me, which made it really hard. After my dad’s death (I had my two boys by then) I really struggled for a few years with having to see my in laws on Father’s Day.

Finally, I had a conversation with my wife. We compromised and we do two weekends for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day: one for each of us and one for the extended family.

The reality of the situation is that this type of situation will come up a lot. For example: Figuring out when and where to do Thanksgiving and Christmas can be the very picture of stress and strife if you let it. You have to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Your girl was genuinely trying to be kind. I doubt that she invited family to go out with you because she thought it would hurt you. Was she wrong to not listen? Probably. Was she thinking about you and wanting to show you kindness? Most likely, yeah. She just probably misjudged the situation. Give her some grace and then have a conversation with her about why you wanted the downtime.

That said, I know that in the moment, it is hard to not blow your top in a situation like that. I can be as guilty of it as anyone. But what helps me is to try to think about what tomorrow will look like if I react the way that I feel like acting in that moment.

 

[InCali]

She asked them two days before my birthday. I do have self esteem issues, confidence. Have been in and out of therapy since a teen. Hasn’t helped, but I’ve grown better. All I can do is learn from this. It was a day she was mad but we’ve made up and I apologized for my childish behavior and bought her flowers.

My wife is a therapist so maybe I'm a little bit biased towards seeking professional help, but I've seen how it can be very, very beneficial. Self esteem and confidence issues can really, really EF you up. People can love you and you can think they look down on you. People can be devoted to you and you can think they don't care. It wears on others and can bring about exactly the situation you (wrongly) believe to be the case. You should seriously consider getting professional help for this. You both might also consider couples counseling.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I'm probably a bad one to be giving advice here because I don't give a crap about my birthday a

What? why?

I love celebrating people's birthdays, or at least make them feel seen. Send them a nice message, something special... some others, I don't care at all and leave their people take care of it.

 

[theastsunnn]

Yes, I don’t want anything for my birthday either. Just a text remembering my birthday means everything to me. All the other stuff I don’t want.

 

[InCali]

What? why?

I love celebrating people's birthdays, or at least make them feel seen. Send them a nice message, something special... some others, I don't care at all and leave their people take care of it.

Like I've said before, I'm a bit of an odd bird and tend to march to the beat of my own drum (and it's a rather weird drum). So, I always did something for "my" mom on my birthday. It was more to recognize and thank "her". For me personally, I'm not really any older on my birthday than I am any other day. Heck, calendars are sorta made up anyway and we constantly have to put in fake corrections to keep them "accurate" (to the extent that they ARE accurate). People like to do stuff for my birthday and it's more for them than me. I mean, I appreciate that they care so it's okay and all, but I could easily do without it. I'm really hard to shop for because if I want something, I just get it. I don't feel like waiting around until it's some day that someone made up to get what I want, but I did really like the Harry Potter wand/pen that my daughter got me for Xmas. That was uber cool and I'm always walking around the house with it trying to cast a spell on my dog to shut the EF up. LOL I was born at 1:32PM and occasionally, if I happen to look at the clock around that time, I'll think "Huh.....I was born xx years ago right now."

 

[Erzengel]

My wife is a therapist so maybe I'm a little bit biased towards seeking professional help, but I've seen how it can be very, very beneficial. Self esteem and confidence issues can really, really EF you up. People can love you and you can think they look down on you. People can be devoted to you and you can think they don't care. It wears on others and can bring about exactly the situation you (wrongly) believe to be the case. You should seriously consider getting professional help for this. You both might also consider couples counseling.

It took years being in relationships & even a marriage to realize that I can push humility a little to the side and realize that I provide a lot to a relationship and regardless of how amazing the person I am with is, so am I.

 

[Babillygunn]

Like I've said before, I'm a bit of an odd bird and tend to march to the beat of my own drum (and it's a rather weird drum). So, I always did something for "my" mom on my birthday. It was more to recognize and thank "her". For me personally, I'm not really any older on my birthday than I am any other day. Heck, calendars are sorta made up anyway and we constantly have to put in fake corrections to keep them "accurate" (to the extent that they ARE accurate). People like to do stuff for my birthday and it's more for them than me. I mean, I appreciate that they care so it's okay and all, but I could easily do without it. I'm really hard to shop for because if I want something, I just get it. I don't feel like waiting around until it's some day that someone made up to get what I want, but I did really like the Harry Potter wand/pen that my daughter got me for Xmas. That was uber cool and I'm always walking around the house with it trying to cast a spell on my dog to shut the EF up. LOL I was born at 1:32PM and occasionally, if I happen to look at the clock around that time, I'll think "Huh.....I was born xx years ago right now."

I get this. But one thing that I’ve also come to realize is that there is a lot of truth to the concept of love languages. People feel loved and express love differently. One person may not like being made center of attention and may seriously dislike affirmation. But they may be in a relationship with someone who shows love in that way. That’s challenging and requires both sides to give and take.

 

[InCali]

I get this. But one thing that I’ve also come to realize is that there is a lot of truth to the concept of love languages. People feel loved and express love differently. One person may not like being made center of attention and may seriously dislike affirmation. But they may be in a relationship with someone who shows love in that way. That’s challenging and requires both sides to give and take.

Yeah.....I'm not too vehemently opposed to cultural norms, even if they don't mean much to me. My wife, for example, is Jewish, but loves Xmas (Xmas tree envy when she was young....she wanted a tree with pretty lights and couldn't have one. LOL). I don't care much about Xmas and see it as commercially exploiting consumers, but if she wants to go all out, I'm okay with it and sometimes even get stuff I like and haven't bought (like my Harry Potter wand LOL). I try to, and think succeed in, not letting my personal opinions get in the way of my family's enjoyment. While I don't care about my birthday much, I recognize that they want to celebrate it and it's done out of caring. So, that's fine.

 

[ComicChick]

I get this. But one thing that I’ve also come to realize is that there is a lot of truth to the concept of love languages. People feel loved and express love differently. One person may not like being made center of attention and may seriously dislike affirmation. But they may be in a relationship with someone who shows love in that way. That’s challenging and requires both sides to give and take.

i am one of those who does not like being the center of attention. and yes, i know that may come from an early life of not getting much attention at all. and while i do like affirmations, they make me uncomfortable because my brain immediately questions their sincerity first.

i did not grow up in an emotionally expressive or affectionate household so i do not always respond to, or with, those things as most would. i try to work on it sometimes though

 

[InCali]

i am one of those who does not like being the center of attention. and yes, i know that may come from an early life of not getting much attention at all. and while i do like affirmations, they make me uncomfortable because my brain immediately questions their sincerity first.

i did not grow up in an emotionally expressive or affectionate household so i do not always respond to, or with, those things as most would. i try to work on it sometimes though

I totally get that. I was taught to not make a spectacle of myself, to work hard, keep my head down, act with some level of dignity (I've screwed up on that last one at times LOL). I've taken on leadership roles in my life, but only did it because it seemed clear to me that it was really necessary and that I had both the approach and time to take those tasks on. My preference is to remain in the background and do my best to make sure things work out from there.

I've been called the "glue" that held the group together; even though I wasn't out front and one of the things that I've found is helpful is to joke with people, make wild statements that people know are intentionally so, and often poke fun at myself. It keeps people's spirits up.

 

[Erzengel]

i am one of those who does not like being the center of attention. and yes, i know that may come from an early life of not getting much attention at all. and while i do like affirmations, they make me uncomfortable because my brain immediately questions their sincerity first.

i did not grow up in an emotionally expressive or affectionate household so i do not always respond to, or with, those things as most would. i try to work on it sometimes though

It depends on the people you have in your life, or will have. I’m more acts of service than anything which is how my family is. I married into a family that was more affection was shown through gifts.

 

[ComicChick]

i took one of those tests and i think acts of service was mine too

 

[Babillygunn]

Acts of service is my wife’s love language

 

[theastsunnn]

Humbling myself I’m guessing would be the first thing to do, but how can I stop being jealous of others and appreciate what I have more?

 

[InCali]

Humbling myself I’m guessing would be the first thing to do, but how can I stop being jealous of others and appreciate what I have more?

Soooooo......I have a saying "You can't tell someone how to feel". Somewhere along the line, I lost the jealousy gene and I'm not 100% sure why. That being said, I believe that change starts intellectually and gradually filters down to your feelings. The idea of "humbling" myself never really enters my mind. By (probably) nature and, certainly, training, I'm a scientist at heart. That's important because science teaches us that we are ALWAYS wrong. By that, I mean we only approach the truth and never know it. That's important because being wrong or making a mistake is a positive. It allows us to progress. When I hear someone like Bill Maher or someone else say "I haven't changed" (which I don't believe), I see a stunted person. Unless you happen to be that person who understood everything from your very beginning, you aren't progressing by knowing you are right.

When I hear you say "humbling yourself", I probably think "I was wrong....cool. I learned something". For me, focusing on my goals and achieving them is the most important thing. I know a lot of people who constantly talk about where they are going, what they've done, how great they are....blah blah blah. My belief is they aren't happy with their lives because they aren't focused on what really makes them happy and, instead, look for things to (temporarily) fill their lives. Sorry, but I'll pass on that one.

I don't know if I've helped, but maybe there's something you can take from this.

 

[Babillygunn]

Humbling myself I’m guessing would be the first thing to do, but how can I stop being jealous of others and appreciate what I have more?

Jealousy, in my experience, usually comes from a weird combo of lack of self esteem mixed with selfishness. The lack of self esteem makes a person worry about losing someone so you become possessive, and the selfishness makes you only think of yourself so that you forget that the other person has a life and makes decisions and has friendships and relationships outside of you.

There really is nothing worse than getting into the habit of being possessive and jealous. It’s awful for you because you are always angry and paranoid, and it can be emotionally abusive to your partner.

When I was in college, I found myself getting jealous a lot at one point when dating the girl who would eventually become my wife. I had had a previous relationship where someone lied to me, and I was now, as a result of that experience, finding it hard to trust my now girlfriend (future wife). It didn’t help that she had a lot of guys lining up trying to get dates with her, even though they knew she had a boyfriend. Eventually, I found out that she turned down some opportunities scholastically because she was worried that they would make me feel insecure. I ended up stepping back and we talked about seeing other people at that point, because I realized that I had to let go. So we still dated, but we were also free to date other people as well. Eventually, after exercising the freedom to see whoever we wanted, we both found that we were only spending time with one another and after initially going out with other people, we really only wanted to be with each other. We weren‘t just boyfriend/girlfriend, we were friends. But getting to that place took a lot of growing and maturing and coming to appreciate your partner as a person.

You have to be ok with the prospect of losing someone. You have to trust them and allow them to be who they are. And if they break your trust, then you move on. But being possessive and jealous leads to controlling behaviors and that is abuse. So don’t do that.