The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Spidey_62]

I've been through this. It's been a long time but I do remember it vividly. The friend/acquaintance/work buddy who always wants to do something but when you make plans, something comes up.

Obviously, I don't know you or your friend and I can't 100% say for certain that maybe she doesn't know or I don't know how you all in a social setting. Is she all over you, touching, etc.? But if you're around the age I think you are, I think she already knows because I wouldn't be surprised if one of your friends already said something.

However, I wanna say if she was really interested in you, she'd make time. If you're constantly hitting the ball into her court to do thing and she NEVER hits it back or even initiates it, should tell you her level of interest.

She's pretty notorious for being a flake with everybody, so I try my best not to take any of it personally. Heck, there was this one time she was going to go to a free movie preview at the IMAX with my friend when I was out of town and she was all excited about it only to say she was tired and just wanted to sleep right before. She told me she had a boyfriend once, early in high school for a week, he broke up with her because she only went to a movie once with him then kept to herself the rest of the week lol. And honestly, I get the feeling as well sometimes, wanting to do stuff but also wanting solitude. I guess that's just indicative of being introverted?

We're all 21 and are all on the more reserved side. Usually our idea of fun is watching terrible movies, playing board games while drunk, just talking, going for hikes, making (terrible?) movies... Half the time she initiates by saying she wants to do something, sometimes it works out like once recently she was hyped up on coffee to get her through lol. Other times she fizzles out after initiating and just says she's gonna put on her pj's and read and I think "...y'know, that sounds nice now that you mention it." She's hard to get a read on, she always sits or stands right against me, while she does the playful 'throw stuff and stick it on you' to usually everybody but me; which I don't mind- just trying to recollect!

 

[Anita18]

I've been through this. It's been a long time but I do remember it vividly. The friend/acquaintance/work buddy who always wants to do something but when you make plans, something comes up.

Obviously, I don't know you or your friend and I can't 100% say for certain that maybe she doesn't know or I don't know how you all in a social setting. Is she all over you, touching, etc.? But if you're around the age I think you are, I think she already knows because I wouldn't be surprised if one of your friends already said something.

However, I wanna say if she was really interested in you, she'd make time. If you're constantly hitting the ball into her court to do thing and she NEVER hits it back or even initiates it, should tell you her level of interest.

Pretty much.

My husband is a SUPER introvert, he might as well not exist to people if he can't skateboard with them. But he never flakes when he commits to something. He just tells you he won't come or he can't make it, depending on the formality of the friendship. So being an introvert isn't an excuse for being a flake.

But yeah, that's the crux of the situation here. She has to want to make time to be with you. Nothing else matters beyond that one fact. My husband is a terrible flirt and awful at giving gifts, but he always kept asking me out. It was the only reason I knew he was still interested in me, but by far the most important one.

 

[Spidey_62]

Pretty much.

My husband is a SUPER introvert, he might as well not exist to people if he can't skateboard with them. But he never flakes when he commits to something. He just tells you he won't come or he can't make it, depending on the formality of the friendship. So being an introvert isn't an excuse for being a flake.

But yeah, that's the crux of the situation here. She has to want to make time to be with you. Nothing else matters beyond that one fact. My husband is a terrible flirt and awful at giving gifts, but he always kept asking me out. It was the only reason I knew he was still interested in me, but by far the most important one.

Yeah, that makes sense. I feel like I fall in line with your husband, despite keeping to myself a lot I try my darndest to be reliable and follow through if I say I'm going to do something. I've never been 100% convinced this this girl likes me that way. Believe me, it's crossed my mind a lot to keep things in perspective with the 'if she cares she'd make sure she's available' thing.

People dropping hints and nudges at me thinking something is happening between us because we're off hanging out together just keeps making me more confused and hesitant because I didn't think anything was going on. That's up to her, ya know?

Spoiler

(Gosh, thinking about it I've just had strange experiences with women- there was this girl that was stalking me for months a few years ago after I sat next to her at a play which really soured me on the whole thing for a while )

 

[Erzengel]

I'd also like to add, even if you started dating, her behavior may not change. So you'd want to make plans but she keeps dropping plans. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Who knows maybe if she found the right person, she would change but then again maybe she wouldn't. Especially for someone who's have very little dating experience.

I HATED chasing people. I probably still have some deep seated resentment/anxiety/self esteem issues because of it. When I started finding people who went out of their way to talk to me/see me, etc., it's rewarding.

 

[Spidey_62]

I'd also like to add, even if you started dating, her behavior may not change. So you'd want to make plans but she keeps dropping plans. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Who knows maybe if she found the right person, she would change but then again maybe she wouldn't. Especially for someone who's have very little dating experience.

I HATED chasing people. I probably still have some deep seated resentment/anxiety/self esteem issues because of it. When I started finding people who went out of their way to talk to me/see me, etc., it's rewarding.

Yeah, that reminds me of what I mentioned before about how my best friend recently got back together with the girl he dated in high school (after being apart for 3 years). They don't see each other all the time because there's some distance but they keep it afloat. My friend's biggest gripe is still even now that she barely ever gives him any emotion back despite him always giving his all. He says she's always been like a stone wall with showing her emotions even in the relationship and he never really understood it because underneath it all she does care a lot. But still, he says whenever she even just gives him a sliver of something back it's worth it.

I undoubtedly have some of those same issues from chasing people over the years. That's good to hear, encouraging, too. I appreciate yours and Anita18's thoughts here, it helps!

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, that reminds me of what I mentioned before about how my best friend recently got back together with the girl he dated in high school (after being apart for 3 years). They don't see each other all the time because there's some distance but they keep it afloat. My friend's biggest gripe is still even now that she barely ever gives him any emotion back despite him always giving his all. He says she's always been like a stone wall with showing her emotions even in the relationship and he never really understood it because underneath it all she does care a lot. But still, he says whenever she even just gives him a sliver of something back it's worth it.

I undoubtedly have some of those same issues from chasing people over the years. That's good to hear, encouraging, too. I appreciate yours and Anita18's thoughts here, it helps!

Some people are just pretty stoic. My husband doesn't show his emotions much, but like you said, when he does crack a smile at me, it's worth it. It makes me feel special, that I'm the only person that he'll soften up to. When you see him interact with other people vs me, the difference is very clear. He's like an aloof cat.

It isn't something I'd gripe about though. It's just who he is. Your friend should have accepted that by now, she ain't gonna change.

But the thing is, I KNOW my husband is devoted to me. He would never flake on me. I can depend on him, and he's always come through whenever I've needed help.

Being flakey/not dependable is different from being stoic.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah, that reminds me of what I mentioned before about how my best friend recently got back together with the girl he dated in high school (after being apart for 3 years). They don't see each other all the time because there's some distance but they keep it afloat. My friend's biggest gripe is still even now that she barely ever gives him any emotion back despite him always giving his all. He says she's always been like a stone wall with showing her emotions even in the relationship and he never really understood it because underneath it all she does care a lot. But still, he says whenever she even just gives him a sliver of something back it's worth it.

I undoubtedly have some of those same issues from chasing people over the years. That's good to hear, encouraging, too. I appreciate yours and Anita18's thoughts here, it helps!

If someone really wants an affection partner, someone who rarely shows emotion may not the most compatible person to be with with.

My wife didn't come from the most affectionate of people growing up but she opened up more when we got together. Now she's the one who falls asleep on me.

In the end it's what you are comfortable/adaptable with.

 

[Victarion]

@Anita: I was telling a couple of female acquaintances about a hunting trip. I'd failed to kill my deer with the bow I was using. It kept crawling away, so I had to leave my stand and put it down with the gun I keep for wild pigs. We're having a good time, killing time. Out of nowhere one of them says "Are you seeing anyone?"

I'm like:

Question kind of came out of the left field - is that a joke about me being a terrible shot with my arrows or something?

 

[spiderman2]

I'd also like to add, even if you started dating, her behavior may not change. So you'd want to make plans but she keeps dropping plans. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Who knows maybe if she found the right person, she would change but then again maybe she wouldn't. Especially for someone who's have very little dating experience.

I HATED chasing people. I probably still have some deep seated resentment/anxiety/self esteem issues because of it. When I started finding people who went out of their way to talk to me/see me, etc., it's rewarding.

Yeah I don't like the whole chasing people thing either. First I am shy and I am not good with people. Second yes I do like having time to my self at times but it is not so much that I don't want to be around people it is that I love sports and my friends don't really like sports. The friends I have I am friends with really because are persenalites are not the same but the kind that can get along with each other and we like video games. With that said I hate that I don't have friends that like sports and so has a result I like to have time to my self so I can try to keep up on sports. That is something that drives me crazy that I don't have friends that are into sports big time like me and for a GF I would need someone who likes sports other wise it would drive me nuts and it would drive a lot of women nuts when it comes to how much I like sports. Not saying I have to be watching a game 24/7 but just that sports are my number 1 hobby by far and I wish I had more people to do it with has I get tried of having to always watch games by my self and even better would love to have a GF to go to games with sometimes.

Last even when it comes to my friends and trying to hang out a lot of times I am the one that has to make plans to hang out no matter if it is going to the movies, going to lunch, haining out at home etc. So many people seem to get into relationships to and then all of a sudden can never hang out with friends any more. Has a result of my friends saying they are bussy with work, school, GF etc I get tried of almost always making the plans to the point where I don't want it to be similar to that if I where to have a GF. Also because I am not good with people and even more so with girls if I am having to do the chase I just fell more nervors and worried about messing things up and if they really like me or not. I would love for women to chase me makes it easier has then I know they really do like me and then I don't have to think more about do they like me? Or am I like just a friend or are they already in a relastionship etc.

 

[spiderman2]

So I have been felling stuck in life for a long long time having a job I hate that dosnt make much money and looking and looking for a new job with no luck and just not knowing what to do and still being at home with being 27. Also the lonlyest that comes with being single and felling like I suck with women and like everone my age is already married, engaged or with a BF any way. But I just go into a low income apartment about 3 and a half weeks ago. So finaly being out from my parents is some sort of progress in this thing we call life and gives me a little less furstation with life and felling stuck. Hoping I can maybe meat someone in school has I started school in jan of last year or something and hoping that finaly moving out on my own is a sine that things will start to get better in both job hunting and with women.

 

[Erzengel]

@Anita: I was telling a couple of female acquaintances about a hunting trip. I'd failed to kill my deer with the bow I was using. It kept crawling away, so I had to leave my stand and put it down with the gun I keep for wild pigs. We're having a good time, killing time. Out of nowhere one of them says "Are you seeing anyone?"

I'm like:

Question kind of came out of the left field - is that a joke about me being a terrible shot with my arrows or something?

One may have nothing to do with the other. They could just be honestly curious. What did you tell them?

Yeah I don't like the whole chasing people thing either. First I am shy and I am not good with people. Second yes I do like having time to my self at times but it is not so much that I don't want to be around people it is that I love sports and my friends don't really like sports. The friends I have I am friends with really because are persenalites are not the same but the kind that can get along with each other and we like video games. With that said I hate that I don't have friends that like sports and so has a result I like to have time to my self so I can try to keep up on sports. That is something that drives me crazy that I don't have friends that are into sports big time like me and for a GF I would need someone who likes sports other wise it would drive me nuts and it would drive a lot of women nuts when it comes to how much I like sports. Not saying I have to be watching a game 24/7 but just that sports are my number 1 hobby by far and I wish I had more people to do it with has I get tried of having to always watch games by my self and even better would love to have a GF to go to games with sometimes.

I've stated this but in regards to posters here having this unrealistic expectations when it comes to hobbies. You might not find that woman. I love comic book stuff. My wife goes to "some" comic book movies not all. She doesn't read comic books or watch the tv shows. She isn't interested that there's a new statue, figure coming out. She's supportive but she's not into it.

While sports is more of a crossover with more women being interested than say comic books, again making it a "must have" item on your search list could really limit your selections.

Last even when it comes to my friends and trying to hang out a lot of times I am the one that has to make plans to hang out no matter if it is going to the movies, going to lunch, haining out at home etc. So many people seem to get into relationships to and then all of a sudden can never hang out with friends any more. Has a result of my friends saying they are bussy with work, school, GF etc I get tried of almost always making the plans to the point where I don't want it to be similar to that if I where to have a GF. Also because I am not good with people and even more so with girls if I am having to do the chase I just fell more nervors and worried about messing things up and if they really like me or not. I would love for women to chase me makes it easier has then I know they really do like me and then I don't have to think more about do they like me? Or am I like just a friend or are they already in a relastionship etc.

You also have to be aware of people's schedule might not be flexible with yours. So I'm sure you work weekends and nights at times? You also have school. A lot of people don't and have 8-5 jobs or go to school at night. So it's harder for some people to squeeze in times to get together. And they do have to put more effort into a girlfriend than a friend.

So I have been felling stuck in life for a long long time having a job I hate that dosnt make much money and looking and looking for a new job with no luck and just not knowing what to do and still being at home with being 27. Also the lonlyest that comes with being single and felling like I suck with women and like everone my age is already married, engaged or with a BF any way. But I just go into a low income apartment about 3 and a half weeks ago. So finaly being out from my parents is some sort of progress in this thing we call life and gives me a little less furstation with life and felling stuck. Hoping I can maybe meat someone in school has I started school in jan of last year or something and hoping that finaly moving out on my own is a sine that things will start to get better in both job hunting and with women.

Well, good for you moving out and going back to school. It might not be a quick change, but baby steps.

 

[the last son]

I'm headed for a third date with a woman, but she dresses more manly than me always jeans, hoodie and tennis shoes and has the look that wouldn't attract men and acts like one of the guys. We haven't had any physical activity yet at all, should I ask if she ever dated women or just keep dating and see where it goes? I just get thar vibe from her.

 

[Dark Raven]

Why would she necessarily have dated women? She might just be a manly woman you're dating. Not all manly women are immediately lesbians. Some lesbians are very feminine and only attracted to other feminine lesbians.

If anything, you should ask her if she ever dresses with girly clothing. And it depends on how she wears the things she wears now anyway. Some women can wear jeans, hoodies and tennis shoes, but that doesn't automatically make them look manly. It can still be a girly look. It depends on how the woman carries it off, and on her general physique and feminine look. If she wears it just because she's comfortable in those clothes, then it wouldn't mean that she's dated other women. Some feminine women can wear "manly" clothes and still look very feminine.

Other women however, if they wear these types of clothes, look like a guy because of their physique and shape and haircut, and if you saw them from behind, people would probably think it's your boyfriend until they ran around in front to see whether it's a guy or girl. I don't know if that's what she's like or not, or whether she's the other type I described above.

 

[Reek]

good grief...

Don't ask her anything. Take her out to a nice restaurant and she'll wear 'girl clothes'... I for one find a girl dressing in whatever she wants and being comfortable is hot as ****.

maybe I am a lesbian, too?

 

[Anita18]

If she keeps going out with you and she knows it's a date, what's the problem? I dress in jeans and t-shirt/hoodie all the time (man, if I could get away with it at work...), I'm a tomboy and I don't wear makeup. I have long hair and I'm extremely thin in the arms, so nobody would mistake me for a boy, but if I had a different body type and hairstyle, I'd probably be mistaken for a man.

And not all lesbians are butch. One of my friends from college just got married to another woman, and they're super-girly girls who love makeup and frilly dresses. They're beautiful together, but yeah. Definitely not butch. It's not great to make assumptions about someone, it's much better if they tell you themselves.

 

[Erzengel]

Every single video I watched, lesbians are attractive.

 

[the last son]

Eh, doesn't matter. I asked her out yesterday, she said yes, but haven't text since then. I am not going to go out of my way to keep contact with her. If she wants to she can text. I don't have the energy to pursue this one.

 

[Dark Raven]

Every single video I watched, lesbians are attractive.

And what kind of videos are those?

When I think of lesbians, I think of them usually as very attractive and extra sexy since they're into other girls.

 

[Mysteryman]

Every single video I watched, lesbians are attractive.

WOMEN are attractive, sexual orientation be damned!

 

[Dark Raven]

Well not all women.

But if we're listing lesbians, there's Portia Di Rossi. And Amber Heard, who doesn't seem too sure which way she swings these days. I'm sure there are others, but I can't think off the top of my head. Amber Heard is really girly and feminine though.

 

[the last son]

I wouldn't call Amber heard a lesbian. Some people are truly bisexual.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Met a cool girl doing my NYE gig in Jax. Super young though, like 21 and I'm 33 (made a joke about long distance rates, then had to explain what long distance rates were ). She lives about an hour and a half away from me which ended up being a good thing since we clicked right away, talked/texted a lot. Then 2 fridays ago she tells me she gets butterflies when she talks to me so I told her I thought I made it pretty obvious I liked her. Then radio silence haha. Hit her up once or twice and got ignored so not gonna be that guy.

Funny thing is this girl I've known for a little over a year now that stays in St. Pete is being really obvious that she's into me now but even though she's really attractive I just can't bring myself to give her a chance. There's a few reasons for this:

1) she's a sweetheart but no depth in our conversations

2) She's a Jehova's Witness so...nope

3) The biggest reason is I tried to say what's up when I first met her and she never responded and I'm fairly certain it was because I was a lot bigger then (went from 230ish at one point down to 161 now).

I kind of feel like at 33 I need to be looking for wifey material and not just get into a relationship that I don't think will go anywhere just because she's attractive. I do feel like kind of a jerk for not giving her a chance but I honestly don't see it being of value in the future.

 

[Anita18]

I kind of feel like at 33 I need to be looking for wifey material and not just get into a relationship that I don't think will go anywhere just because she's attractive. I do feel like kind of a jerk for not giving her a chance but I honestly don't see it being of value in the future.

You don't have to get married just because you're getting older.

I got married because I genuinely felt I wanted to spend my life with my husband. We enrich each other's lives in deep ways and we build each other up. Also, we HATE dating and had/have absolutely no wish to date or sleep with other people.

If you still want to date around, marriage is not for you. Maybe not yet, or maybe you'll never get married. But don't push yourself toward it just because of your age.

Though even for dating, life's always too short to spend with someone who adds nothing but drama to your life.

 

[Erzengel]

In other words, get married because you found the right person.

Don't get married because you feel it's a social construct you have to adhere to. Especially if you haven't met them yet.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

You don't have to get married just because you're getting older.

I got married because I genuinely felt I wanted to spend my life with my husband. We enrich each other's lives in deep ways and we build each other up. Also, we HATE dating and had/have absolutely no wish to date or sleep with other people.

If you still want to date around, marriage is not for you. Maybe not yet, or maybe you'll never get married. But don't push yourself toward it just because of your age.

Though even for dating, life's always too short to spend with someone who adds nothing but drama to your life.

I feel no pressure to get married I just meant I'd only be interested in pursuing a relationship if it's going to be meaningful and add to my life. I'm not interested in dating just for the sake of it or random hookups anymore.

Like I said, she's a sweetheart, really nice person, and very attractive but just not what I'm looking for intellectually. Being able to have deep, meaningful conversations with my SO is very important to me.

In other words, get married because you found the right person.

Don't get married because you feel it's a social construct you have to adhere to. Especially if you haven't met them yet.

It's really going to be up to my future SO if they want to go that route. If they want a wedding cool, if they understand I don't have to have a piece of paper from the government to be faithful and maintain a healthy relationship cool too.

Got that vibe from the NYE lady but don't get that vibe with the lady out here.