The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Erzengel]

Then you have a legitimate gripe. Maybe they can change in the future, but you are going to have to at least speak your mind to them. And if they don't change, this just might be who they are and you should just temper your expectations for them for your own well being.

 

[Enriquespy]

So, 3? Yes, omg, 3 years ago I finally went on a date with a nice gal that was very clearly interested in me (My first real date ever!!!). We went to a place for lunch and the date went, I think, well. We both mentioned interest in seeing each other again.

A few days later I mentioned the possibility to going to a gallery in the city and she seemed interested, but it felt too pushy for me to try and settle a date and a time. The I let a few weeks pass, mostly to don't look like In was applying too much pressure. Then we exchanged a couple text messages, then I let a few months pass before I text again and she stopped responding.

Eventually something similar happened. I met a girl I liked, she shows signs of interest and I slowed down and cowered back a bit in my interactions with her, now I'm just a friend.

I think I'm self sabotaging a bit, and also, that I'm too used to think that me pursuing or showing clear interest is wrong due to it historically leading to rejection. So I go back to "not bothering" someone if I like them even if they seem to like me back.

I dialed my socialization back, to the point I dont even know how to show initial interest other than a merely friendly one. I'm not sure how to act in the correctly assertive way when I meet someone that I like, so I act too safely.
Anywat
I'm not sure I'm seeking advice as much as I'm just venting.

 

[InCali]

Does everyone’s parents freak out when they hear their kid is going to propose to their significant other (that they have been in a relationship with and lived with for years) or is that just largely something we queer people have to unfortunately contend with?

I don't think there's a single reaction....it just depends. I can believe that parents of gay children might have something of freak moment, but they just need to get over it. One of my wife's closest friends is very "liberal", but when her daughter came out, she didn't want anyone to know. LOL Her daughter is about 28, is now in a serious relationship, and now her mother has, I guess, had time to get over herself.

Ultimately, unless parents are real freaking weirdos, it's not a long term issue. A very, very close friend of mine got married just about as soon as he was legally allowed to (actually asked me to be best man 💕 ) and there was no hand wringing or anything like that from his family. Of course, he had come out to them shortly after we discussed his sexuality decades ago so maybe that had something to do with it????

Anyway, people need to live their lives in a way that brings them joy. If others have issues with that, It's their issue......not ours.

 

[Babillygunn]

So, 3? Yes, omg, 3 years ago I finally went on a date with a nice gal that was very clearly interested in me (My first real date ever!!!). We went to a place for lunch and the date went, I think, well. We both mentioned interest in seeing each other again.

A few days later I mentioned the possibility to going to a gallery in the city and she seemed interested, but it felt too pushy for me to try and settle a date and a time. The I let a few weeks pass, mostly to don't look like In was applying too much pressure. Then we exchanged a couple text messages, then I let a few months pass before I text again and she stopped responding.

Eventually something similar happened. I met a girl I liked, she shows signs of interest and I slowed down and cowered back a bit in my interactions with her, now I'm just a friend.

I think I'm self sabotaging a bit, and also, that I'm too used to think that me pursuing or showing clear interest is wrong due to it historically leading to rejection. So I go back to "not bothering" someone if I like them even if they seem to like me back.

I dialed my socialization back, to the point I dont even know how to show initial interest other than a merely friendly one. I'm not sure how to act in the correctly assertive way when I meet someone that I like, so I act too safely.
Anywat
I'm not sure I'm seeking advice as much as I'm just venting.

Sounds like you might be overthinking things a bit. If you like somebody, just ask them if they want to go spend time together. Don’t put overdue pressure on yourself or the other person with putting labels of whether something is a date or not.

Also, it sounds like you struggle with confidence. Maybe try to invest some time into yourself to get to know your good qualities better. I’m sure that there’s a lot about you that is really great and you should own that. Instead, we can tend to be our own worst critics. The biggest thing that hampers people from putting themselves out there is a fear of rejection. But in reality, rejection is usually the product of a lack of common interest, a lack of chemistry and/or just the lack of a spark. That’s not rejection of you, that’s just a realization that it won’t probably work out, ultimately.

I have two teenage boys. My advice to them is always go slow, don’t ever get down on yourself, always show respect for others of the opposite sex, and to remember that in all likelihood, they will probably date several girls and their earliest relationships won’t work out. They’ll have several breakups and heartbreaks and make tons of mistakes before they meet the one. Just enjoy the ride at that point but don’t presume that whoever they are dating (especially early on) is eventually going to be their spouse.

 

[Cap2024]

I don't think there's a single reaction....it just depends. I can believe that parents of gay children might have something of freak moment, but they just need to get over it. One of my wife's closest friends is very "liberal", but when her daughter came out, she didn't want anyone to know. LOL Her daughter is about 28, is now in a serious relationship, and now her mother has, I guess, had time to get over herself.

Ultimately, unless parents are real freaking weirdos, it's not a long term issue. A very, very close friend of mine got married just about as soon as he was legally allowed to (actually asked me to be best man 💕 ) and there was no hand wringing or anything like that from his family. Of course, he had come out to them shortly after we discussed his sexuality decades ago so maybe that had something to do with it????

Anyway, people need to live their lives in a way that brings them joy. If others have issues with that, It's their issue......not ours.

Thanks for the support!

 

[theastsunnn]

How can I stop avoiding conflict? Like I’m the worst so I need to start from the beginning

 

[Babillygunn]

How can I stop avoiding conflict? Like I’m the worst so I need to start from the beginning

Sometimes avoiding conflict can be good, so long as you aren’t harboring resentment. If you can let things go and not perceive things as personal sleights, but understand them in the manner they are intended, or recognize why your partner says or does what they do, then conflict can often be unnecessary.

 

[theastsunnn]

Sometimes avoiding conflict can be good, so long as you aren’t harboring resentment. If you can let things go and not perceive things as personal sleights, but understand them in the manner they are intended, or recognize why your partner says or does what they do, then conflict can often be unnecessary.

What about with strangers in life

 

[InCali]

What about with strangers in life

I almost didn't respond to this, but if you often find yourself in conflict with strangers, you probably have to look in the mirror. It's one thing to work through issues with someone in a personal relationship, but it's an entirely different thing to commonly have conflict with random people. Occasionally, I'll run across people who are difficult for, apparently, something that has nothing to do with me, but it's very, very rare.

The bottom line is that most people aren't looking for conflict with people they don't know. I've said this more times than I can remember and maybe it's because I was a fledgling shrink and it ends up that I married a therapist, but if you are experiencing conflict with a wide variety of people, it's most likely you. You might consider talking to a professional who is skilled in interpersonal relationships.

What I'm saying isn't meant to belittle you. We all have our weak points. The important thing is to recognize them and work towards resolving them.

 

[theastsunnn]

I almost didn't respond to this, but if you often find yourself in conflict with strangers, you probably have to look in the mirror. It's one thing to work through issues with someone in a personal relationship, but it's an entirely different thing to commonly have conflict with random people. Occasionally, I'll run across people who are difficult for, apparently, something that has nothing to do with me, but it's very, very rare.

The bottom line is that most people aren't looking for conflict with people they don't know. I've said this more times than I can remember and maybe it's because I was a fledgling shrink and it ends up that I married a therapist, but if you are experiencing conflict with a wide variety of people, it's most likely you. You might consider talking to a professional who is skilled in interpersonal relationships.

What I'm saying isn't meant to belittle you. We all have our weak points. The important thing is to recognize them and work towards resolving them.

Not often but last week a guy asked me to go above and beyond at my job and I did when I shouldn’t have because I’m afraid of conflict. A woman last week did the same. A coworker took advantage of me and had me do some of his work. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. And yes it’s my problem, I’m asking how can I stop this

 

[Erzengel]

Lie. Tell him, oh, so and so asked me to do something and walk away,

Of course, it can bite you in the ass. So you either are honest up front or come clean later.

 

[InCali]

Not often but last week a guy asked me to go above and beyond at my job and I did when I shouldn’t have because I’m afraid of conflict. A woman last week did the same. A coworker took advantage of me and had me do some of his work. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. And yes it’s my problem, I’m asking how can I stop this

Ah.....that. It's pretty simple IF you don't want to do it. Just say that you're busy right now, but you'd be okay with doing it when/if you get a chance. If you really don't want to help out, just say "I'm really busy and I don't think I'll be able to get to it".

Here's what I will say. To me anyway, life isn't a ledger. I don't mind going out of my way for people. Even complete and utter strangers. I've seen people in obvious need and usually stop to help out if I can. I actually like to do that. I've even met people when I'm walking my dogs, got to talking with them, and given advice or help.

As far as co-workers go, my current specialty is network engineering and in that line of work, you come across problems all the time. Sometimes it's good to have another set of eyes on things and I've often asked for, and given, help. This certainly isn't part of our job description, but we're all happy to pitch in and help when necessary.